Seeking Grace

-‘’ I’m afraid I lost her for good. I can feel it. Things are not the same anymore; it’s all different. I walk the streets every night, I talk to strange faces, I even search my own mind; but I can’t move on, I’m stuck.
I’m sure I won’t find her if I don’t do something different. I gotta break this wall before it’s too late. I already feel like giving up, sometimes. I catch myself contemplating the possibility of losing the fight. Of falling. Of letting the dark fill the voids. Maybe I’ve already lost the battle and I’m just too scared to admit the defeat. Maybe my life right now is just a prep course fot the life I’m about to live once I realize there’s no turning back, there’s no finding her.
But it can’t be. This can’t be it. I cannot allow myself to become a walking shadow. There’s gotta be a way to escape, to resist... I know she is the way; I know Grace can make it all better.
I do remember when I had Grace in my life; those were good times. Times of joy. Times of innocence? In a sense, yes. Sadly most awakenings are rather painful. Times of light. I just can’t believe I lost her, I let her slip away. Or, maybe, no. Did I actually drive her away? Of course not; why would I do such stupid thing?
I was happy with Grace. I could see happiness around me, I could see reason in people’s actions. I was able to find the good underneath the ordinary. Now things disgust me too easily; now I breathe without a purpose. I wake up every morning and wish I was still asleep. It can’ be good. It can’t be right.
Who am I to look down on everyone else?Who am I to question my life? I don’t know how to respect people anymore, probably because I stopped respecting life.
I look around and see nothing. I feel helpless; maybe I’m starting to feel hopeless. I shouldn’t. Because I know the way out, because I know that she’s out there. I just gotta pull myself together and look for her. I have to deserve her.
The day can’t scare me anymore; I must face the light, get used to it and broaden my horizons. I’m done with the whole night thing; I know my eyes will feel sore for a moment, but then they’ll get better and help me look.
I have to see through the obstacles, change my perspective. I have nothing to lose anyway. Without Grace I have nothing to lose. Maybe that’s good; maybe that’s what is pushing me to the fight. Every man worth a dime must have something to lose. We’re nothing without the things we lose, which makes me think that I was a great man not long ago, when I had Grace.
Where should I look for Grace? That’s the problem; I don’t know where to start. She could be anywhere; she could be watching me. Maybe she doesn’t want to be found; maybe she is hiding.
It can’t be. That’s not like Grace; she knows I need her. Everybody needs her, actually. But I’m the one she’s chosen, all I gotta do is find her. Again. There’s no use looking back on how I lost her. I must focus on the search. The places where she might be.
She certainly isn’t among the people I know because I don’t know anybody. I’ve long decided not to know anybody, and I’m comfortable with that decision.
Grace wouldn’t be with the people I would be likely to know anyway.
I should get rid of the doors that block me, but there are so many of them that I don’t even know what they’re blocking.
I wonder if I’m really alone in this world. I wonder if I’m the only one losing the fight; or even the only one fighting at all.
I wonder if I’m the only one out of Grace. Probably I’m the only one who once had Grace, and that’s my curse. I tasted life with Grace and lost her. Now I can’t accept a Graceless life.
That’s why I’m not giving up the fight.
I‘m ready to scare the darkness away.
I’m ready to enter the day.
I’m ready to find Grace.’’